School Makes a Mommy Lonely

One of our first homeschool field trips, we met a real life astronaut

at the Air & Space museum in Virginia.

 

 



For the past four years, I've had all of my kids at home all day. I've been homeschooling all of them. I'm not the best teacher, I'm not the most organized, (it's true) and I'm sometimes not that fun. The past year was kind of a lame homeschool year because I was on the couch trying not to throw up, pregnant with baby number four. So, they did their work and then learned how to cook, clean, and fold laundry, so they could help me.

We moved back to Newport, Rhode Island in May. It's a small town, not very many schools and we moved into the same housing that we lived in when we lived here in 2007-2009. So, I am familiar with the schools, principal's, etc. Jacob is getting to the point where he wants to play basketball on a team, and both Jacob and Abby want to be in band. So, we decided to put them back in public school.

I was, am, and always will be hesitant about public school. It's just not what it used to be. It's dangerous, liberal and in my opinion...mostly a waste of time. But not all schools or teachers are this and, there are certain experiences I want my children to have. One of those is to have missionary experiences. I want them to know how to stand up for what they believe in the face of adversity, even teasing. They've got to be solid and immovable in their beliefs. It's time to share those beliefs and learn how to deal with hard things.

I think I could give them experiences like this even while being homeschooled, but this was just a decision we made at this time. But one thing tips off my mama senses...or the Spirit speaks to my heart, and they are OUT of public school again.

This decision has been hard for me. Some have asked how I can handle my kids with me all day long all the time. Well, I have great kids. No, it's not the Little House on the Prairie around here, some days I pull some hair out one painful strand at a time, but for the most part it's pretty darn good. They are mine, my responsibility, mine to mold and teach. I love to be around them.

On the first day of school back in September...I dreaded every minute of that morning, but I was also excited for them. Jacob and Abby are strong people and were getting very excited about school. Abby loves school supplies and backpacks, and Jacob loves having friends and being involved in fun activities. So, they were out the door and waving goodbye. I cried a little...

 Jacob, 7th grade & Abby 5th grade (both at Middle School!)

 

Jackson....my little seven year old sweet love. He has never been to public school at all. He's been homeschooled from the beginning. We've been talking it up...helping him get excited, going to open houses, meeting his principal. Everything we could do to make him feel comfortable and not afraid.

He's a strong little guy and trying to be brave. But I can't imagine how scared he was, to go to public school for the first time and get shoved into second grade. He's smart, so I don't worry about the school work, but he's quiet when around other people, and he's emotional. He wears his heart and spirit on his sleeve. He worries about a lot of things. He thinks very deeply.

First day of school...he rode the bus all by himself. I followed in the car to meet him at the school and help him find his class line. He stood in line, shook hands with his teacher and waited to go inside. When it was time to go in, I asked him if he wanted me to walk to his class with him. He said, "No, Mom, I'll be okay." So, I watched him walk into the building and disappear. My heart pounded. I tried not to lose it.

Day one seemed to go pretty well. Everyone was happy when they came home. Jackson was a bit quiet, but okay.

I missed them horribly. Even with baby E at home, the house is so quiet and lonely.

Day two: Older kids on the bus and both happy campers. Jackson got on the bus and as I was waving goodbye, I could see his quivering lip and little tears run down his cheek, but all the while a fake brave smile. He was terrified. I went back in the house and got down on my knees and prayed with all the mama power in me for my little ones...and cried some more.

I know I can't be their body guard for the rest of their lives, but I just want to hold this little boy and tell him he can stay home and be with me. But, I have a great husband who helped me know that everything was going to be okay. My senses and my heart are still perked to anything that will change my mind and bring them home again. I will do it in a heartbeat if needed.

A few weeks ago, I was going to have lunch with Jackson and then take him to the book fair. They were already in the lunch room when I got there. Jackson had gotten out of his line somehow and didn't know where to sit. They are very strict in this lunchroom. So, he was so scared to sit somewhere wrong, that he didn't sit anywhere and he was just walking back and forth next to the tables. When I walked in, I saw him pacing with his lunchbox in hand not knowing what to do. I went to him and the look of relief on his face sent chills through me. The image of him standing there not knowing what to do and looking like he was the most alone person on the planet, haunts me. It breaks my heart.

Now, almost two full months into school and it hasn't always been easy to send him off to school, and there have been a few more tears and trembling bottom lip, but I'm hopeful that he's going to be okay. But, I still get a pit in my stomach every morning when he gets on that bus. He's trying so hard to be so brave! My heart is totally wrapped around this little boy's soul. I'm the luckiest mom in the world.

I'm still lonely for them. I think I should always be. I don't envy my friend T, who is going to send her baby off to college in a few short months, or for my friend A who is witnessing her first baby get married! So, for now, I will cherish every moment, be sad when they're gone, and watch every new thing they learn.


Being a mom is hard, amazing and blessed. I'm so thankful for them.