Number FOUR

Little man, Jackson David will turn 6 years old next month. When he turned one, we started thinking about baby number four. After very spiritual promptings and feelings, we were sure there would be one more in our family. So, we didn't delay and started trying.

Two years ago, after we moved to Virginia, I started doing tests in the fertility clinic at the hospital because nothing was happening in the baby department. Apparently, after 1 year of trying, it's considered infertility. So, we did just about every test imaginable. Super not fun.

In March of this year, we got to a point in the infertility process where we didn't feel that we should continue. We felt that we had put our faith in our feelings, and that we had done all we could medically to figure out what was hindering this process. So, we stopped.

The day we decided to stop, I got in the shower in the morning and cried. This wasn't the first time during this trial that I've done that, but this morning was different. It was over and I didn't know that it would be that painful. I have three amazing kids already and I can't say that I love being pregnant, so I was actually trying to get in a good mental place to be able to move on, get my body in shape, and focus on the three kids and amazing husband I already have.

For the past few months, I've been cleaning out boxes and boxes of baby and kid clothes. I've kept pretty much everything for both boys and my girl over the past 12 years. There were pounds and pounds of baby clothes. I went through everything, put away a few things in a special keepsake box (their blessing outfits, special memory outfits), and closed up shop. I took bags and bags of clothes and baby toys to the local thrift shops and gave away to friends expecting babies. The day I dropped off clothes at the thrift shop, I fought back the tears all the way home.

After being so sure about baby number four, I had a hard time with this "closure" process. But, I finally was getting to be okay, although I feel like I would always wonder why. But I have faith. I know the Lord is in charge of my life and I would figure out the why's eventually.

In June, the morning of David and my 14th wedding anniversary, out of nowhere, I took a home pregnancy test and quicker than I expected, TWO POSITIVE LINES showed up. I was STUNNED.

I have realized that Heavenly Father is definitely in charge, on His time. I don't know why this miracle has been offered to us, but I am overwhelmingly grateful.

I am now almost 10 weeks along, feeling huge already and nauseated ALL the time. I've forgotten. The kids are excited, already drawing pictures of our family with baby in the sky (or in Jackson's pictures, the baby is on the floor next to the dog.) We are planning for Number Four to make an appearance in late February, and we are feeling very blessed.